On April 22nd last year, I had the urge to dance and booked myself onto an Ecstatic Dance event in Regents Park that was honouring Earth Day. Midway through, they decided to do a cacao ceremony. As I closed my eyes, slowed my breath, took a sip of chocolate, and lay down on the ground, I began to see a vision of my ancestors. I saw my ancestors carrying me on a hay bale on their shoulders and saying, "We will carry you until you can walk". After a while, they put me down and said, "We will walk behind you until you can fly," Shortly after, wings sprang out of my shoulder blades, and I began to fly. Tears streamed down my face as I felt held by the ground beneath me and by my ancestors. I had a strange sensation of not feeling alone anymore, loneliness being a deep-seated feeling I've carried with me for most of my life.
Shortly after, I saw a barn owl in my mind's eye telling me, "You need to go on the spiritual ecology retreat". I knew what the owl was talking about because I'd debated whether to join a pilot retreat run by St Ethelburga's the Centre of Peace and Reconciliation on nature connection. I had heard about Communion with the Wild at the end of a spiritual leadership course I was a part of for people under forty, also run by them. I was still deciding whether I wanted to deep dive into something that, until now, I didn't really care much about. However, at some point in the ecstatic dance, I stopped for a break and went to sit down for a rest when I found someone's Hero's Journey deck of cards. I pulled a card that said "The Call", referring to the part in the Hero's journey where the Hero feels they're being called and begins their journey.
I remembered the advert for Communing with the Wild retreat had an owl. I enquired about securing a spot, but the retreat had sold out, and the only spots left were camping on the land. Now, I wasn't one to be accustomed to camping. I didn't even have a tent, and the thought of almost a week in a tent didn’t sound appealing. But if there was any way of going all in on an ecology-themed retreat, it would be to sleep in nature, so I booked my spot camping. A few days before we arrived, we received a message in the WhatsApp group chat from our first speaker, Pat McCabe, to begin thinking about the owl's symbology in advance. Followed by a photo sent the night before we arrived of an owl sitting in broad daylight on the roof of the main building. At this point, I'm thinking, what the f*ck? That's super weird.
Side note, do you know the etymology of weird? It derives from the Old English noun 'Wyrd', meaning fate.
On the way to the retreat, more "weird" things began to happen. My dad messaged me to wish me a wonderful weekend. I messaged him back to tell him I was at the train station in Paris, on my way to Flers, Normandy. It wouldn't be long before my phone would ping with a reply from my dad saying, "Darling, I need to tell you something," followed by, "Uncle Ahmed lives in Flers. He will be overjoyed if you visit him." My jaw dropped as I read the text. I was going to a tiny, random town in Normandy and had family there that I'd never met. A tonne of different emotions flooded my body, shock, excitement, confusion, grief and more. I had only met my Dad twelve months earlier, being estranged from him most of my life, so this would be the first opportunity to meet my family on his side.
I finally arrived at the station and got picked up by the people whose land we were on, a wonderful British couple recently relocated from the UK. I set up my tent on arrival and began chatting with other people who had arrived, instantly clicking with an older man from the North of England. After dinner, we talked briefly about the week ahead. Then, we headed to bed early to wake up early for our morning meditation. Every day had a different theme to explore and a different speaker facilitating conversations about plants, insects & invertebrates, animals & birds, and the whole web of life. We had various talks and exercises on the land related to the day's theme. We also had land tasks, such as brushing the donkeys, scooping poop, and feeding the pigs, which I enjoyed as grounding activities. As well as time to chill, swim in the river, walk, or do whatever else you wanted to do with your free time.
When the first session kicked off, we heard from Pat McCabe, a Diné (Navajo) woman. She discussed growing up in the Dutch Christian reform church. She was completely severed from her culture and didn't start in indigenous ways until she was twenty-nine. She described it as "a Home Coming" and "how we're all looking for a similar journey." She talked about the wisdom of the elders of her community and the lessons being passed down about our relationship with the earth and each other. I could feel the call of a similar journey with every word she whispered. When asked to answer without thinking and letting our mind get in the way, "What land is home to you?" followed by "Where is your Ancestral land?" without hesitation, I wrote down Colombia twice. I was surprised, to say the least. It could have been many other places, and with that, the first seed was planted.
The next talk that stirred something in me was by Charlotte Du Cann, who talked about communicating with plants and flowers. She introduced herself, talking about being "on the road for a decade" and how she "gave up everything in the City." She had been an editor for Vogue until she realised "there was more to life than frocks" and "booked a one-way ticket to Mexico." The combination of Pat's talk about planting a seed and Charlotte's talk about helping the seed germinate had me booking a one-way ticket to Colombia that evening without a second thought. My gut told me it was right to go to my ancestral land and reconnect with my roots. Many people thought I would change my mind, given I had six months until my flight. Later, when I returned to the UK, I emailed Charlotte to thank her for her talk and to tell her I had also booked my one-way ticket.
The last speaker that moved me was Sicelo Mbatha, a wilderness guide in South Africa who talked about animals and intuition. A participant had asked about her relationship with her sister's dog. She'd take him out on walks, play with him, and trust him, but one day the dog started acting aggressively, and she got scared. She related this story to a man she was with, someone nice until he wasn't and how the dog had triggered her. Sicelo then shared a story about a friend being eaten by a crocodile on their way to school and how much he grew to hate crocodiles, the river, and the walk to school. Finally, he shared how when he witnessed a crocodile eating a buffalo while volunteering as a guide, he realised that "people are captured by their past and not making peace with their own past." Followed by the words, "Have the courage to deal with your past and make peace with it. Confront it, and when the fear comes up, give it love."
That last talk triggered and touched on my most tender place, the mother wound. I spent the rest of the afternoon sitting at the foot of a tree, crying my eyes out with my heart feeling cracked open and raw. But, little did I know, the rest of the week would gift me the most extraordinary experience in exchange.
With love and magic,
#AuthenticAlex
Upcoming news and events… (***NEW OFFERS***)
Curious about exploring your own ancestry? I've currently been beta testing a group course on Reclaiming your Roots with much success. It's a six week online course with ancestral reverence practices, creativity, meditations and creative writing. If you’re interested in connect with your ancestry, then you can find out more here and register your interest, as I'll be prepping the launch for a second co-hort very soon.
I'm opening up space to do some akashic record readings. For those unfamiliar with what it is, I'd recommend having a look at this article for an in detail explanation. In a nutshell, people that are trained can open up the library of your soul and look into the past, present and future to gain insight, awareness and guidance. These are on a donation basis, as an energy exchange. If you're curious or feel called, you can email me here.
This is a call to women to immerse themselves in the journey of the feminine to reconnect with the power and deep love of the story. Over six months, you will hear a series of myths where you’ll be exploring your relationship around longing, fear, adversity, love, falling, failing and courage. Then, we’ll come together as a community to use our imaginations to cross the thresholds that surface through the process. Finally, together we will use ritual to reawaken to the profound spiritual nature of the soul. To book on, follow this link.
I co-host the Café of Endings and New Beginnings with my wonderful friend Tracey McEachran. The Cafe is a virtual place created to explore all our griefs within community. There is power in the group, because everyone is holding up a mirror to allow us to see ourselves more fully by exploring what we cannot see on our own. Our next Café is this upcoming Monday 10th May and is by donation, you can sign up here.